Funny Jokes

Missing Wife Joke



A man went to police station for filing report for his missing wife:




Man: I lost my wife (misty eyes)





Inspector: What is her height



Man: I never noticed



Inspector: Slim or healthy



Man: Not slim can be healthy





Inspector: Colour of eyes



Man: Never noticed



Inspector: Colour of hair






Man: Changes according to season





Inspector: What was she wearing







Man: Saree/suit/ I don’t remember exactly



Inspector: Was somebody with her ?????????





Man: Yes my Labrador dog, Romeo, tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together…. And the man started crying…..





Inspector: Lets search for the dog first !!!!!!!!!!!! !



WIFE WANTED - VERY FUNNY



A news paper had a humour page with following matrimonials published in it.
:



Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her service.



CAR MECHANIC:







Wanted a sturdy wife. Should be in working condition. Should be above average and must run the household at a good average.



DOCTOR:





Recently a love-bug injected in me a strange bacteria, making me desirous of marriage.





I'm looking for a girl who is patient and has knowledge of all ills and pills, is religious minded and keeps away from all sins be it anasin, metasin or crosin. I promise to be a good doctor with no side effects. Apply or reply.



DRUNKER:





Wanted a girl. Girl's father should preferably have a soda factory. I am an occasional alchoholic who drinks only when friends come home.







Friends come home only seven times a week.





Girl preffered will carry me from bar to ghar-bar.







Meet personally or send soda for trial. Sample should be ample.








LAWYER:









I hereby beg to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the post of husband after marriage.





The person whom I'm looking for should be strictly a girl.







The girl should be strictly a girl.





The girl should be willing to surrender to the service and jurisdiction of My Lord I.





Myself. Any objection would be overruled and will not be sustained.



Apply in confidence and if you have the confidence.





SOFTWARE ENGINEER











Wanted a Girl with a Lovely Look & Feel, Good GUI with Security features (privileges only for the Specific User especially critical Functionalities) .





There must not be any Critical or Medium Bug in her.





LowBugs can be deferred But needs to B fixed by the Next Build. She Must not be PLATFORM INDEPENDENT, USER FRIENDLY. We are ready to Test the Application & CERTIFY the product but we will assure it will never be released to ANY OTHER Customer.






Insulting a Woman



A newly wed couple Naren and Nita came to live in an apartment where right across lived a young attractive man.








Naren was bragging to his friend, "My wife is so smart that she caught the guy across the window peeping us nude in action into our Apartment. She was so angered that she wanted to go there and kill the bastard, if I didn't stop her."



The highly impressed friend praised, “You are lucky, she seems to be the woman of high family value, principles, and character."








Naren replied, “No man, she got mad when the guy across the window shut his window on us.”




two drunks






These two drunks were in a bar. One said to the other, "I have to go for a piss."








The other said, "I have to go, too. Tell you what, why don't you go for me while you're in there."




The first drunk guy says, "Ok."








He staggers to the john, and is gone for a long time.






When he comes back, he punches the other drunk in the face and knocks him to the floor.








The second drunk looks up and asks, "Why did you hit me?"


























"If you'd told me you had to take a shit, I would have pulled down my pants!"











Black eyes




The naughty, Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye.





His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"






"But Dad, it was not my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That`s when she hit me!"





"Johnny," the father said. "You don`t do those kind of things to women."






The very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.




Johnny`s father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"





"But Dad," Johnny said, "It was not my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn`t like this, so I pushed it back in!"


************



pregnant unwed daughter



A young unmarried girl discovers that she is pregnant. Scared, She confides this ' news' to her mother.

, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did This to you?



I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.




Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature And distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.



He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the Girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the Problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family Situation, but I'll take responsibility. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account.





If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However,



If there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"



At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand





Firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You can try again !"





************




"U love someone




U marry someone else.

The one u marry becomes ur wife or husband.


And the one u loved becomes the password of Ur mail id"



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There's only one perfect child in the world & every mother has it.


There's only one perfect wife in the world & every neighbour has it.



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If someone says u r ugly, its ok, if someone says u r stupid, its ok,



If someone says u r genius slap him as tight as you can n say there


is a limit of kidding n u r now crossing the limit.


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Three dreams of a man:



To be as handsome as his mother thinks.



To be as rich as his child believes.



To have as many women as his wife suspects...



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Husband & wife are like liver and kidney. Husband is liver & wife kidney.


If liver fails, kidney fails. If kidney fails, liver manages with other kidney.


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What's the diff between Dava &d Daru?



Dava is like girlfriend, that comes with expiry date and


Daru is like wife, Jitni purani hogi utna sir chad ke bolegi.



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Wife ko Begum kyon kehte hain?



Kyonki shaadi ke baad saare gum to husband ke hisse mein aate hain or

wife Be-Gum ho jaat hai.


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The Japanese have produced a camera that has such a fast shutter



speed it can take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut


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{It could have been worse}


Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say ''It could have been worse.''

His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.



So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.

Joe asked, ''Where's Gary?''



And one of his friends said, ''Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them

Joe asked, ''Where's Gary?''





And one of his friends said, ''Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''



Joe says,''Well it could have been worse.''


Both his friends said, ''How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!''



Joe says, ''If it had happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!''




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Time Please



Young Man: Sir, may I know the time, please?







Old Man: Certainly not.













Young Man: Sir, but why? What are you going to lose,if





you tell me the time?













Old Man: Yes, I may lose something if I tell you the time.





Young Man: But Sir, can you tell me how?













Old Man : See, if I tell you the time you will definitely thank me and may be tomorrow again you will ask me the time.





Young Man: Quite possible.





















Old Man: May be we meet two three times more and you will ask my name and address.





Young Man: Quite possible.













Old Man: One day you may come to my house saying you were just passing by and came into wish me. Then as a courtsey, I will offer you a cup of tea. After my courteous approach you will try to come again.This time you will appreciate tea and ask who has made it.?





Young Man: Possible













Old Man: Then I will tell you that my daughter has and I will then have to introduce my young and pretty daughter to you & you will admire my daughter.





Young Man: Smiles. ;)













Old Man: Now onwards you will try to meet my daughter again and again. You will offer her to go out for a movie together and a date with you.





Young Man: Smiles













Old Man: My daughter may start liking you and start waiting for you. After meeting regularly you will fall in love with her and propose her for marriage.





Young Man: Smiles













Old Man: One day both of you will come to me and tell me about your love and ask for my permission.





Young Man: Oh Yes! And smiles













Old Man: (Angrily) Young man, I will never marry my daughter to a person like you who does not even own a watch.







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It starts with S and end with X



Do you know which word starts with S and end with X?























Lemme give you a hint:





















It usually has high amount of activity





















and also has lot of Up and Down movement....





























.





.





.





.





..





.













.





Got it???????





.





.





.





.



.





.





.





Come on... Think about it!!!!!!!!!!!





.





.





.





.





.





.





.





Just a little more.......





.





.





.





.





.





.













Give up????????????





.





.



..





.





Its pretty simple................. SENSEX













But I like the way you are thinking:)







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Party Crashers

It was at a party and the host was getting worried because there were too many people and not enough refreshments.party".




She was sure that not all of these people had been invited but didn't know how to tell which ones were the crashers. Then her husband got an idea....



He turned to the crowd of guests and said "Will those who are from the brides side of the family stand up please?" about twenty people stood.



Then he asked " Will those who are from the groom side of the family stand up as well?" about twenty five people stood up.



The He smiled and said





-















-













-









"Will all those who stood please leave, This is a birthday





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If You Had One Wish

A guy is walking along the beach in Malibu, finds a bottle, and picks it up







Immediately, a genie pops out and replies, "Thanks for letting me out! For your kindness, I will grant you one wish."





The guy says, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I can't because I'm too afraid to fly and ships make me deathly sick from claustrophobia. So...I guess, my wish is for you to build a road from here to Hawaii."

"I'm sorry," the genie says, "But I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved...think of the huge pilings we'd need to hold up the highway, and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. And think of all the cement that would be needed.

Plus, since it's such a long span, there would have to be gas stations and rest stops along the way. No, that is just too much to ask."





"Well, there is one other thing I've always wanted," the guy replies. "I'd like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why they're so temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with them...you know, what makes them tick?"

The genie thinks a second, and then answers, "Would that road be two lanes or four?"



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